NG diet

So a a few years ago, while at The Mountain School, I came up with this brilliant diet. It was called "The Wilderness Diet" and it basically consisted of things you would take camping. Most of it was edible as-is, and the rest could be cooked on a tiny Swedish pot that folded into itself. It included such delectables as Ramen, Hershey bars, trail mix, bagels, and fruit.  This diet, though it may never have caught on in the general media, and did not join the ranks of South Beach and Atkins, was genius for many reasons. Firstly, with no preparation time, you don't snack while waiting for you food to cook. Second, you don't have to share with anyone because you are by yourself. Third, you have to ration because, well, you have to. Or you run out and starve. So there's no binge eating! Talk about portion control. Fourth, you aren't tempted to snack between meals because you have to hang your food in a bag on a tree to keep it away from bears. I mean, really, is it worth the hassle of pulling down the rope for a measly bagel half? It's also delicious and nutritious. For the most part.

Anyway, I came up with a new diet. It's worked for me, and I believe it's probably the only way to lose 15 pounds in 3 weeks. Rather than losing water weight, like in all those fad diets, you lose all your muscle mass and everything atrophies. You become extremely weak and frail. Best of all, you can lose this weight with no exercise whatsoever. You must be thinking, "what diet can do all this for me?" It's called the NG diet. 

First, you must get into a hospital for some sort of internal abdominal injury. It doesn't really matter what it is, so long as it fucks up your stomach in some way. Use your imagination! Then, get connected to an NG tube that sucks bile right out of your stomach. That's got to be a few pounds right there. Then get saline pumped into your IV. Get a catheter shoved up your crotch, because you're going to be peeing frequently, and really, who needs the hassle? The next step may be the hard one: Eat and drink absolutely nothing. The only thing going in your mouth is ice chips. Everything else is intravenous. The key to this diet is duration. The longer you stay connected, the more weight you lose. When you must leave the hospital, and if, for some reason, the hospital staff will not allow you to take you diet supplies with you, do not fear. There is plenty of weight loss ahead. 

Read very closely, for phase two of the diet is harder than phase one, where you had people watching over you all the time to make sure you didn't slip up. When you arrive home, do the following: Do not exercise.  Do not drive. Do not lift anything at all, in fact. Be as inactive as possible. Roll over on the couch if you must. Drink inordinate amounts of diet coke. This part of the diet requires no self-control, actually, because you won't have any desire to eat. Everything that goes into your mouth will be felt 20 times in the next 3 hours. This is your stomach telling you what a good job you are doing. Don't be fooled into thinking you are now able to eat full-portioned meals. The growling in your stomach is a warning against what you are about to do to it, not an invitation to fill it, no matter what you might think. 

Simply follow these steps and watch the pounds melt away. Within weeks, all of your clothes will fall off, causing you to moon the entire city. Your face will cave in, and your collarbone will stick out. Your titties and ass will shrink. Your stomach will look exactly the same. A flight of stairs will fatigue you, and you won't be able to pick up much more than a juggling ball, which you'll no longer be able to use, because juggling is an aerobic activity. Remember: No Exercise. Also, becoming anemic is a necessary part of this diet. As is developing an ulcer. If you haven't hit these steps yet, you aren't trying hard enough, and you haven't been at it long enough. Your efforts will pay off.

Just think, with the new NG diet, you'll be bikini-ready in no time! Just make sure you don't go swimming: it's exercise, and at this point you'll probably also get carried away by the waves in the baby pool and be completely unable to save yourself.  And don't trip on the sand; it'll bruise you, you silly anemic! Oh, and did I say bikini? I meant full-coverage one-piece. You don't want anyone seeing the scar from the surgery, now do you?